A Report on the State of Shame

A national survey on what we hide and what we wish to talk about

Our Unnamed Burdens

ZINE commissioned YouGov to survey over a thousand Americans about stigma — how often people hide parts of themselves from others, what they’re most uncomfortable discussing, what they wish society was more open to discussing, and to what extent should organizations be playing a role in helping de-stigmatize taboos?

We examined mental health, finances, sexuality, porn, politics, career setbacks, family conflict, addiction, body image, loneliness, and religion.

Unfortunately, the results don’t reveal a society at ease — I mean, look around... who’d suspect that? Rather, we see a society caught between personal discomfort and the desires for themselves and others to overcome shame.

Let’s start with the fact that out of fear of being judged, 83% of Americans concealed some part of themselves from those close to them in the past year. For nearly every taboo measured, Americans report they want more societal openness around it.

But one topic has broken through, revealing some hope: mental health. As a private burden, we’re tired of struggling in silence. Today, only 19% of Americans feel uncomfortable discussing mental health, while 70% want society to be more open discussing it. That 51-point gap is the largest of any measured taboo, representing progress. Decades of mental health destigmatization has made mental health a subject deemed worthy and necessary to talk openly about. But compare that preference for openness (70%) to family conflict (42%) or personal finances (28%) — much fewer want open conversations about these taboos, despite higher rates of discomfort around them.

These gaps between distress and desire for more comfort is an insight in itself.

Is there value to private shame despite shared suffering? What holds people back from wanting a world where it’s easier for them to discuss what plagues them? And what prevents us from creating the cultures which permit these discussions that we say we want?

Age

Gen Z is the most shame-burdened cohort across nearly every taboo measured – despite being the youngest surveyed and those deemed most “open.” But 40% of Gen Z hide parts of their lives from people close to them “often” or “very often” vs. 27% of Millennials, 22% of Gen X, and 11% of Boomers. The hypothesis is supported: the older you get, the less fucks you have to give.

When it comes to discomfort around discussing taboos, Gen Z leads every other generation on almost every topic — sexuality (32% discomfort), mental health (31%), body image (27%), loneliness (24%), and political beliefs (22%). For religion (20%), Gen Z is nearly twice as uncomfortable discussing their beliefs than any other generation. The one topic where they’re actually less burdened than older cohorts is personal finances (21%) vs. Boomers (31%). Boomers are the most ashamed of personal finances and the least interested in destigmatizing it. Or put another way, Boomers carry the most discomfort and want the least done about it. As for Gen Z, perhaps their lack of discomfort around finances says more about shared, grim economic outlooks than the stigma of “money” itself.

Gender

Women (28%) are more likely than men (18%) to report that they conceal parts of themselves from those close to them. Men are also more likely to report that they’re comfortable discussing more taboos than women. But is it that men are really less likely to carry shame, or less willing to name and admit it?

Across all ages, one of women’s most uncomfortable topics to openly discuss is personal finances (29%) vs. men (23%). One of men’s most uncomfortable topics to discuss openly is mental health (19%) – the same prevalence of women’s discomfort.

A more revealing gender story, however, is where private burden and public advocacy split.

On the taboo of body image, 18% of women report discomfort — just slightly above men’s discomfort (15%). But women’s desire for more societal openness for body image discussions is at 50%, vs. men at 40%. Nearly identical private experiences produce a 10-point difference in advocacy.

Politics as a taboo inverts this dynamic. Men and women report nearly identical political discussion discomfort (16% and 18% respectively). But their desire for social acceptance is a different story: 40% of men want more openness while 31% of women do. This is one of the few topics where men outpace women on public advocacy.

Porn

Porn is the only taboo in the entire study where personal discomfort is higher than one’s desire for more openness. Said differently, 40% of Americans report discomfort discussing porn, yet only 18% want more openness to discuss it. (Note: Revealing your kinks is different than discussing porn as a social concept, but seemingly it’s all off the table.) Every taboo bends toward destigmatization. But porn doesn’t. Porn is the single most uncomfortable topic for every demographic (nearly 2x more uncomfortable than every measured taboo), and the taboo where people report the least amount of support for more openness.

Gen Z is most uncomfortable discussing porn (53%), yet is the most likely to be consumers according to Pornhub’s own traffic data. Similarly, while women are more uncomfortable discussing porn (42%) than men (38%), according to Pornhub’s data, 38% of all traffic is now driven by women, up from 24% in 2015.

Across all gender and age cuts, the only thing we all have in common is how uncomfortable we are talking about porn. And when it comes to reports of wanting to change this, we’d rather not... or perhaps, have no idea how.

A Contradiction

Which comes first: shame or advocacy?

Self-reported “Very Liberal” Americans are the most self-concealing cohort (27% conceal “often” or “very often”) and also the biggest advocates for destigmatization across nearly every taboo. Those carrying the more private burden – more frequently concealing themselves – are the strongest proponents for openness. This finding is supported in the other direction as well. Self-reported “Very Conservative” Americans conceal themselves the least (12% “often” or “very often”, and 26% report “never”). They’re also the least likely to desire social openness on every topic measured.

You’d think that those who claim to be the most comfortable would also want others to be as comfortable as they are by desiring more social openness. But, no, this is not the case.

There are a few explanations to this strange finding.

First: Most obviously, personal shame is what drives advocacy. You fight loudest for the conversations you need to have. Second: Advocacy may contribute to shame. The more your community enshrines vulnerability as a value, the higher the stakes and the stress around your own openness. Third: Being more conscious of stigma, being more accepting, and having more language to identify and navigate shame, can make one more attuned to their own vulnerabilities and therefore more likely (and comfortable) to report these feelings. Fourth: Perhaps we should pay more attention to the desire for openness as the true signal of social comfort. Actively opposing others’ comfort contradicts one’s claim that they feel no discomfort themselves. Ease doesn’t resist. And fifth: Asking about concealment may not be an accurate measurement of discomfort when discussing these personal matters openly as this isn’t a pre-existing norm in some cultures. For this question, one isn’t technically “concealing” if no one discusses these topics in your community in the first place.

Seeking Support?

Across every demographic cut, the pattern holds: the more shame a group holds, the more open they are to organizations playing a role in helping topple taboos. For generations, Gen Z conceals most (40% “often” or “very often”) and supports brand involvement the most (42%). Compare that to Boomers who conceal the least (11%) and support brand advocacy the least (25%). Women conceal more than men, and also report higher levels of brand support. Politically, “Very Liberals” report the highest concealment rates and also the highest rates for brand support (49%).

A third of Americans agree that brands should play a constructive role in destigmatizing culture. And while this reads like a soft plea, only 20% actively oppose organizational support. The remaining 80% are somewhere between supportive, uncertain and open — which is not a wall as much as an invitation for organizations to explore this role.

To go back to where we started... While 83% of Americans have concealed some part of themselves from those close to them in the past year out of fear of being judged, when then asked which topics make them uncomfortable, nearly 1-in-3 Americans (30%) report “none of the above.” These people report absolutely zero shame across all eleven taboos. Perhaps admitting discomfort and probing deeper is a taboo in itself... even via an anonymous survey.

Ultimately, this tension between personal discomfort and the desire for social openness leaves us waiting for others to begin the conversation. But when they don’t, and we don’t, the conversations just never happen. Instead, millions of people remain isolated without resolve, all but quietly hoping for something to finally change.

It just takes one person — or organization — to begin the conversation that so many are quietly waiting to have.

Ideally, this analysis can act as just one conversation starter.